dj lady tribe: 'Rock of Love Bus' Premiere

It seems that hard rock love went very wrong for Bret Michaels yet again, because here we are with another season of Rock of Love. Bret isn't sure what he's doing wrong, but I have a few ideas. The blue eyeliner - on him? His mystic tan? That wig? It's hard to be sure. On the upside, Bret promised that if it doesn't work this time, he'll give up!

He thinks that it has to do with the fact that he spends 300 days out of the year on tour and therefore he doesn't believe he can find love in a house. So, he's taking this show on the road. America, all I can say is.....wear a condom. Please, for the love of all that is holy....wear a condom.

In the tradition of the previous two seasons, Bret kicks off the *squick* fest by conducting a photo shoot with the future students of Charm School, whom each tries to strike a memorable pose while uttering a memorable sound byte. Given the unfortunate intellectual capacities of some of the contestants, or as Britanya tells us "I'm a little bit not too smart", you can see how this would give several of them trouble.

Unfortunately, there is nothing new under the sun and even Bret laments the lack of variety among the girls. The standouts are Brittaney, who did porn, Constandina, who claims to have a masters degree in story telling, Natasha, who is starting an escort business and Taya, who is a Penthouse Pet.

But the biggest mess is Nikki, AKA DJ Lady Tribe. She sports the most horrifying lips I have ever seen and her boobs are on too tight. But she has a special talent! She wrote a rap song for Bret and she asks to perform it for him. He agrees to listen and she pulls some papers out of her bag. Unfortunately, no one listens to the rap at all because they are all too mesmerized by the 72 point font, all cap letters on the back of her impromptu lyric sheet, which scream out "GENITAL HERPES". She gets to page two, and we are treated to "GONORRHEA".

What did I tell you about those condoms, America?

Anyway, just assume the rest of the girls are either mostly silicon, have various addictions, have daddy issues, or are in some other way a mess. You can assume this because it's true. It's science! Even the one girl who seems normal, with an education and career as a licensed practical nurse, fits the messed up profile as we find out her father recently married someone who might be younger than her. Hello, daddy issues!

The girls are split into two buses - one pink and one blue. A better descriptor is one blond and one brunette. Guess which one is drunken and fighting within 15 minutes? The blue bus girls are actually singing Kumbaya. Meanwhile, Ashley and Marcia, on the pink bus, immediately hate each other and drinks are tossed. They get to the first show and are brought up on stage. I must admit I missed most of their antic because I burst a blood vessel when I saw the guy in the front row with the mullet and the button down jean shirt with the sleeves cut off. However, I think it's safe to say that the girls conducted themselves with the sort of behavior we've come to expect on Rock of Love. Which is to say, they acted like drunken strippers. So much so, in fact, that Taya is mortified. And when the representative of Penthouse Magazine is the moral compass of any group, we must worry.

At the after party, Ashley finds another brunette to pick on in Beverly and more drinks are tossed. However, that pales in comparison to the most appalling thing of the evening - which is so terrible that VH1 cannot show it and will not describe it in English. However, Brazilian Marcia describes it in her native tongue, with a few key hand gestures, making it clear that a drink was served out of a particular orifice. The two classy ladies taking part in this alcoholic Hello Kitty extravaganza are Gia and Nikki, and even Bret admits he's never seen anything quite like it in all his years on the road.

They are all checked into a hotel next and the next afternoon Marcia proceeds to attempt to drink an entire bottle of 1800 by herself and is soon vomiting. Bret arrives and Marcia pops out of the bathroom in time to lay a kiss on him as all the other girls look on in horror. But he's on a mission! He's comes to collect Beverly to let her know how impressed he was that she knew all the words to his songs while on-stage with him and she admits that when she was married her "free pass" list was Bret and Ed Norton.

Elsewhere, Taya mutters about how great an impression alcoholic breath makes and Constandina teaches a belly dancing class in the corner, while Marcia picks a fight with Ashley again. More drinks are thrown and Marcia chokes Ashley until John pulls her off the other girl. Marcia starts crying and packing, but Bret asks her to stay anyway and she does. I'd make a comment about her seeming instability, but in this group, it's all relative.

The elimination tonight does us one favor, by getting 5 of these embarrassments to femininity off my television. Bret calls out Nikki, Marcia, Brittaney, Gia, Heather, Stephanie and Marci before letting the other 13 girls know they can get back on the buses. Brittaney immediately starts crying and apologizing because she's the neediest of the needy, but in the end she gets to stay. Marcia also gets a pass, because Bret asked her to cool her heels and she agreed earlier at the hotel.

Which means we get to say a delighted farewell to are Nikki and Gia - the two biggest train wrecks - as well as Marci, Heather and Stephanie - who seemed like the most normal of the bunch, and therefore not ratings getters. The rest of the girls? Well, we get to look forward to more vomiting, fighting, spitting, alcohol blood poisoning and the return of Lacey. Hold on America...it's going to be a bumpy ride.


Source: blog.zap2it.com