Bad idea jeans

Sports blotter: "You’re looking at some years, son" edition

THE NOT-SO-GREAT HEIST: Charleston Southern University football teammates Tyrone Lattimore, Zachery Hillery, Ronald Jay Baldner, and Samual Baptiste teamed up to rob a couple — and scored $7.50 a piece for their efforts.

Bad idea, Ch. 1
Man, there must have been something in the air last week. A rash of arrests across the sports world, with most of them involving college football players. And not little piddly-widdly, penny-ante, wuss-bunny arrests, either, but serious, man-size, you’re-looking-at-some-years-son felony arrests.

The worst (and stupidest) of these might have taken place in South Carolina, where four men associated with the Charleston Southern University football team were arrested and charged with armed robbery and kidnapping. It is really difficult to describe, with accurate pathos, exactly how tragic and tragically idiotic this crime was.

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Here goes: Tyrone Lattimore (the CSU starting running back), Zachery Hillery, Ronald Jay Baldner, and Samual Baptiste are all staring down the barrel of two major felonies, but get this — all they got was 30 bucks!

Apparently two of these men, armed and in masks, approached a young couple in the parking lot. The men told the male victim to get behind the wheel of the car and drive. They drove to an apartment complex, took the $30 or so both victims had, then ran away.

This ingenious crime somehow involved four men, though, which means they got to split the $30 four ways, with each man having almost enough to eat a Steak and Shake dinner. Sounds worth 10 years in prison to me.

A sad commentary on the declining level of criminal sophistication among collegiate athletes. Hell, just a few years ago in the Palmetto State, football players at the University of South Carolina were smart enough to steal whole laptops without a gun. Sixty points apiece for the goofballs.

Bad idea, Ch. 2
A former Ohio state-wrestling champion and current Miami of Ohio football player gets drunk. He’s walking around his dorm feeling frisky. He opens some chick’s door, walks into her room, lies on top of her, puts a pillow over her face. She screams. He is surprised that she is not rolling with the situation, gets up, and flees. She runs after him. He gets popped and then it’s discovered that he walked into someone else’s room the same night.

The arrest of Zachary Marshall would be Cecil “The Diesel” Collins all over again, except the Diesel was sober when he walked into women’s bedrooms. The Diesel’s thing was also watching couples sleep together, not women all by themselves. Either way, this is not a good way to further your athletic career.

Surprisingly, the court was lenient with Marshall, giving him 60 days in jail, four months of house arrest, supervision, community service, and treatment. The judge called it a binge-drinking episode and did not classify it as a sex crime. I’m giving the asshole 51 points.

Bad idea, Ch. 3
Then there was high-school-football star Dakota Woods in Smyrna, Tennessee. Someone looked at his MySpace page and noticed a photo of a 7-year-old holding two handguns. That person called the cops, who came to the Woods house and discovered not only the handguns but three pill containers with nails and gunpowder inside, a miniature bat with screws sticking out of it, and two daggers.

Woods was arrested for reckless endangerment, contributing to the delinquency of a minor, and felony possession of an explosive device. Not sure who the minors were at the house, probably little brothers. This is a kid who needs some new hobbies. Forty-eight points for the weapon/endangerment charges.

Bad idea, Ch. 4
If you’re going to steal someone’s credit card and use it, you should . . . actually, there aren’t too many ways to do that without getting caught. But you certainly shouldn’t do what University of North Texas wideout Forrest Rucker did: admit your crime to the female college student you took it from via multiple text messages, then later admit to police you bought $397.34 worth of fast food, vending-machine purchases, and other crap at the local Golden Triangle Mall.

Two felony counts of credit-card/debit-card abuse, each count carrying a max of two years in jail. Goodbye, Forrest — don’t forget your 32 points.

Bad idea, Ch. 5
Former Jet and current New York Giant Kareem McKenzie got caught cutting through a gas-station parking lot. Cops pulled him over and he blew higher than .08 on the box. If you are drunk, weigh 327 pounds, and play professional football, do not cut through a gas-station parking lot: 25 points for Kareem.


2008 LEADER BOARD
LAWRENCE PHILLIPS (CALIFORNIA DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS AND REHABILITATION) | awe-inspiring maelstrom of self-destructive behavior, stretching across a whole adult life | mathematically inexpressible number
THUNDER COLLINS (EX-NEBRASKA) | murder and mayhem | 100
AMBIORIX BURGOS (METS) | running people over, punching women, share in 2008 Mets bullpen collapse | 99
TONY ZENDEJAS (EX-RAMS) | drugging a woman, then raping her when she was unconscious | 95
CEDRIC EVERSON AND ABE SATTERFIELD (EX-IOWA) | rape of an incapacitated person | 90
JIM LEYRITZ (EX-YANKEES) | DUI manslaughter | 90
BRADY SMITH (EX-BC) | being a drunken slob of a would-be rapist | 89
BRANDAN WRIGHT (EX-BETHUNE-COOKMAN) | running dude over with an Isuzu for owing him $200 | 89
RYDELL WOODS (EX-AKRON) | shooting at cops; getting caught with five guns and ski masks | 88
BRANDON MARSHALL (BRONCOS) | the old repeatedly-hitting-women thing | 80 JEROME MATHIS (TEXANS) | choking pregnant babymama | 75
JEREMY DEMETRIUS HARDEN (COASTAL CAROLINA) | dangling some poor young woman over a balcony | 74
ADAM JONES (COWBOYS) | being a menace to peaceful strip-club patrons everywhere; fighting his own babysitter in a bathroom, giving Roger Goodell a brain cyst | 73
VINCENT ASKEW (EX-MEMPHIS) | sex with minor, adding to "Team Tragedy" mess | 70
JACQUES RICKERSON (FLORIDA) | punching, choking, suffocating female person | 70
FABIAN WASHINGTON (RAIDERS) | red marks on girlfriend's neck | 70
AHMAD BROOKS (BENGALS) | punching chick in front of her kids, the asshole | 60
NICK COSTA (MARYLAND) | thinking it was a good idea to punch a cop in the face | 60
CARL ELLER (EX-VIKINGS) | assault, terrorist threats, being a generally dangerous old geezer, driving a motorcycle with busted plates | 60
JAMES HARRISON (STEELERS) | punching girlfriend to facilitate a baptism | 60
TYRONE LATTIMORE ET AL (CHARLESTON SOUTHERN UNIVERSITY) | committing a kidnapping/armed robbery for $30 | 60
JEREMY ELDER (EX-ALABAMA) | late-night stickup | 55
TRAVIS HENRY (EX-BRONCOS) | coke dealing and possibly worse | 55
CEDRIC WILSON (STEELERS) | punching girlfriend, but not in order to facilitate a baptism | 55
MARK INGRAM (EX-GIANTS) | trying to avoid that whole federal sentencing thing | 51
ZACHARY MARSHALL (MIAMI OF OHIO) | getting drunk and lying on top of unsuspecting woman | 51
NIKOLA DRAGOVIC (UCLA) | pushing "co-habitant" to floor | 50
TEBUCKY JONES (EX-PATRIOTS) | groping chick in casino, punching her boyfriend, biting on too many play-action fakes | 50
MAURICE SIMMONS (USC) | being the wheelman for a Compton armed mugging | 50
MIKE TYSON (BOXER) | murder for hire, possibly? | 50
SHAWNE WILLIAMS (PACERS) | harboring an accused first-degree murderer | 50
JOHN STEPHENS (EX-PATRIOTS) | sex-assault fugitive | 48
DAKOTA WOODS (SMYRNA HS) | giving kids explosive devices | 48
DAVID CORNACCHIA (FLA. EVERBLADES) | mid-flight assault, head-butting bystanders, exposing wine-shrunken wiener | 46
KEITH MCCANTS (EX-ALABAMA) | getting Tasered after hurling pliers and crack pipe at cops | 43
BRANDON PETTIGREW (OKLAHOMA STATE) | elbowing Stillwater's finest | 42
DAMEON MARK-KEITH SMITH (MARSHALL) | two counts of credit-card theft, having too many names | 42
RIAR GEER (COLORADO) | randomly assaulting two students, being an asshole | 40
JOSH JARBOE (OKLAHOMA) | bringing totally unnecessary .380 handgun to track meet | 40
LYNN KATOA (COLORADO) | campus assault | 40
KEITH MCLEOD (EX-PACERS) | being the latest Pacer alum to discharge a firearm in public | 40
JAJUAN SPELLMAN (LOUISVILLE) | being so high that he forgot to take a joint out of his mouth when cops pulled him over | 40
DENNIS RODMAN (EX-BULLS, PISTONS, LAKERS) | it's just sad; no joke necessary | 38
JORGE REYES AND JOHN WALLACE (OREGON) | being dumbasses and shooting .22 rounds into a neighbor's house | 37
MAURICE PEARSON (OHIO UNIVERSITY) | shooting two sorority girls with Airsoft gun | 36
JEFF BURRIS (EX-COLTS) | driving backwards and the wrong way while drunk | 35
CHRIS HENRY (EX-BENGALS) | getting arrested way too many times | 35
LEIGH STEINBERG (AGENT) | provided model for saccharine Tom Cruise movie, public intoxication | 35
LORRENZO WADE (SAN DIEGO STATE) | boosting TV from chick's house | 35
GEORGIA BULLDOGS (the whole school) | generally being drunken, violent retards | 34
MARCUS VICK (EX–DOLPHINS, VATECH) | DUI, disrespecting a bicycle cop, being generally an obnoxious waste of talent | 34
FORREST RUCKER (NORTH TEXAS) | credit-card theft, admitting it via text message | 32
GERALD SMITH (EX–PENN STATE) | being the "G" that sold coke to a narc | 32
MIKE BROWN (VIRGINIA) | boosting stereo equipment from parked car and, like an idiot, trying to sell it on Ebay under his own name | 31
STEFON JACKSON (UTEP) | hindering prosecution; attracting fugitives | 31
SCOTT SPIEZIO (CARDINALS) | flipping a car in the OC, staggering away from the scene, going mental at some random citizen | 31
CHANNING CROWDER (DOLPHINS) | leaving the scene, making good early impression on Bill Parcells | 30
ANTHONY DILORETO (CAL POLY) | not realizing that seven-footers shouldn't rob banks | 30
JORDON DIZON (LIONS) | lying about a DUI before the draft | 30
DANIEL GRAHAM (BRONCOS) | ambiguous domestic-violence beef; hit a bedpost | 30
JASON HORTON (MISSOURI) | beating up "kitchen help" | 30
KENTON KEITH (COLTS) | refusing to leave a parking lot because he's a Colt and doesn't need to listen to anyone | 30
TYRONE NESBY (EX-CLIPPERS) | ginormous child-support debt | 30
DAN ROONEY (STEELERS) | hypocritical defense of girlfriend-punching players, but only the good ones | 30
RICHARD TODD BURGER (EX-JETS) | leg-breaking for Internet gambling site | 28
BRITTON COLQUITT (TENNESSEE) | DUI, hitting a car, hitting tree stump, then walking away from the scene | 28
ONTERRIO SMITH (EX-VIKINGS) | last stop on the Lawrence Phillips Express | 28
RYAN O'BYRNE (CANADIENS) | stealing a chick's purse | 27
SANTONIO HOLMES (STEELERS) | blunts-in-SUV | 25
TY LAWSON (UNC HOOPS) | pulling a pre-draft DUI | 25
KAREEM MCKENZIE (GIANTS) | DUI | 25
LAWYER MILLOY (FALCONS) | garden variety DUI | 25
CALVIN SCHMIDTKE | blowing a promising career before it started | 25
LOFA TATUPU (SEAHAWKS) | your basic DUI | 25
JASMINE PAYNE AND ASHLIE BILLINGSLEA (SOUTH CAROLINA) | weed, theft, more theft | 24
DONALD STRICKLAND (NINERS) | being belligerent and drunk, getting caught by cops on foot, playing for the Colts at one time | 24
DREW LAVENDER (XAVIER) | provoking cops into a body search while carrying weed | 23
CHRIS HERREN (EX-CELTICS) | shooting the horse | 22
XAVIER HICKS (WASHINGTON STATE) | putting rubbing alcohol in roommate's contact-lens case| 22
MALIK ALVIN (BINGHAMTON) | knocking over old lady during while stealing 36-pack of donkey-sized condoms | 21
DEMARCUS GRANGER (OKLAHOMA) | stealing winter coat — in Arizona; refusing to appear | 21
CHARLES PUGH (WVU) | creative use of other peoples' credit cards | 21
JAMAR HORNSBY (FLORIDA) | buying gas with dead girl's credit card | 21
JASON SHIRLEY (BENGALS) | transparently disingenuous failure-to-appear | 20
RANDY NEWSOM (AKRON AEROS) | sold shares in his future earnings in dicey scheme that Ponzi would have admired | 18
GERALD JONES AND AHMAD PAIGE (TENNESSEE) | Cheech and Chong/Up in Smoke impersonation, while in car | 12
SHAUN WHITE (X-TREME SPORTS) | spraying fire extinguisher, acting like the little douchebag he is | 11
KOBY CLEMENS (SALEM AVALANCHE) | parking-lot fracas, being Roger's son | 10
HIDEKI IRABU (YANKEES) | drowning the same in drink and bartender abuse | 10
MATT JONES (JAGUARS) | bumping rails in Fayetteville | 10
MIKHAIL MARINOVICH (SYRACUSE) | breaking into a school equipment room; adding another arrest to the family ledger | 10
BART OATES (EX-GIANTS) AND KEN DANEYKO (EX-DEVILS) | getting themselves tossed in debtor's prison | 10
JASON SMITH (KENTUCKY MAVERICKS) | buying minor league team as cover for check scam | 10
JENNA PLUMLEY (OKLAHOMA) | stealing makeup from a Wal-Mart, which more than anything else is just really sad | 6
KENNY KELLY (U. OF MIAMI) | supernaturally large quantity of weed | 5
CURTIS PULLEY (KENTUCKY) | weed, speeding, leaving UK without a QB | 5
GERALD SENSABAUGH (JAGUARS) | popping wheelies | 5
AHMAD BRADSHAW (GIANTS) | ex-PlayStation thief gets violated | 3
JOHN DALY (GOLFER) | they found his drunk ass outside a Hooters | 3
ED JOHNSON (COLTS) | weed, blowing it | 3
WAKANOHO (SUMO) | possession of microscopically small amount of weed | 2
DERRICK JONES (OREGON) | operating a less-than-one-ounce "drug house" | 1
KEVIN FAULK (PATRIOTS) | contributing to the cancer-like misery of Patriots fans | 0.5
BRYAN GRIER (MAINE) | weighing 344 pounds and power-carjacking in New Hampshire | INCOMPLETE (pending psych review)
JIMMY CLAUSEN (NOTRE DAME) | quelle horreur, drinking in college | -87


Source: thephoenix.com